Shining through your wall

What does shining through your wall mean? I have been told that I don't shine through my wall very often. It can happen, but apparently it is infrequent. I have given this a lot of thought. I think I know reasons why I keep the wall up. It has a lot to do with expectations, wants, needs, and how the world experiences me. This post is probably more for my thought process than anything else.

Let's start way back in time. I have always looked at the world a little skewed. No matter what went on I always saw the world my way. Trying to lock out the bad or unwanted and looking and seeing what I wanted. It was an avoidance issue. I didn't have any physical abuse going on, which unfortunately seems to happen all too often, what I had to deal with was emotional abuse. As a kid it's hard to understand why things you have no control over seem to fall on your shoulders. I remember crying and praying to God to please send my dad home when my mom would start blaming me for dad not being around. It's kind of rough to start hating God around 7 or 8 and becoming an atheist by age 8. So I would become my toys while playing, not just pretending, like I assume most kids do, but in my mind I was each toy. Plastic can't get hurt, can it?

Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I got straight A's in 4th grade. Big deal, it was 4th grade. I pretty much skated through it. However, that set up new expectations for me to live up to. I was supposed to get straight A's from now on. I'm sure I could have, if I tried, but let's not forget, I didn't always pay attention to the real world as closely as I should have. I was seeing things my way. Playing and losing "me" was much more fun. I usually did get all A's and a B, but that B was the deal breaker. That would start the groundings and being told I wasn't worth much. It made me mad, but then I'd go back to my world and it would disappear. Remember, this is still elementary school.

During this time, my sister was born while I was in 4th grade. I had hoped she would take some of the attention away from me. It worked somewhat, but now I was being compared to the little precious baby. She became mommy's favorite and I could do no right, or so it seemed. A little back story. My parents were not very happy together. My dad had moved out a couple of times, I think it was a couple, it could have been more. I have found out they were thinking of divorce and went to see a marriage counselor. That all sounds good, but the counselor convinced them to have a baby to see if that made things better. If I could find that counselor, I would have a few choice words to say. You don't add another human being into a bad relationship. That is just plain stupid and adds another who may suffer. Divorce would have been the best choice for them and me at the time, but then I wouldn't have a sister.

Let's move to junior high. Dad had run for sheriff and won. So we moved to a new and bigger house. Sounds good so far, however, mom and dad still didn't like each other. Me? Well, I was a teenager with teenager issues of my own. I was looking for independence and trying to find out who I was. I thought I knew me, but the me I knew wasn't necessarily the me others expected me to be. I enjoyed sports. I had played baseball in the summer and basketball in the winter at school. I kept playing basketball in junior high and enjoyed it. I realize now I could have been better if I would have tried, but then again, I was in my world. Which most teenagers are I assume. I was into many things. I liked art, music, sports, science, math (more on that later), being in plays. I liked a lot of different things, perhaps too many. I got distracted a lot and guess what? I got a B the first 9 weeks of 7th grade. It was in art, a completely subjective discipline. It was a 93 and the break off for A's was 94. I argued the subjectivity and also "it was art", my god who cares about your art grade, come on. So that led to fighting and grounding and me retreating in to me at home. So I guess that is part of my light being dimmed and not shining. Junior high goes on that way, usually one B to set off the argument. The problem is, the person doing the grounding was my mother. My dad said he didn't understand it, but he didn't do anything about it. So I think here is where the "me" that adults would see was born. At school I was a good student in the classes that I thought adults "wanted" me to be good at: science, math (did I mention my mom was a math teacher?), English, and history. I'll admit I liked those subjects, I was very good at math and science, but I was more passionate about music and art. However, I didn't let that side of me show.

High school was much the same. I got good grades in math and science. I was expected to. English I pretty much blew off. "When am I ever going to need to write anything? I'm going to be doing math and that's numbers.", little did I know. I still did well in history; the instructors really cared about it and made me want to succeed in their classes. Art went by the wayside. I was told it wasn't worth my time and effort. I did continue to be in swing choir. I think that was when I was most happy in high school. I continued to play basketball, baseball, and ran track and cross country. I even got to be in two plays. Looking back it should look like it was an all right time. Remember the grades issues? Well they continued through high school. I didn't get straight A's and I didn't care. I was getting sick of the lectures and since I was always referred to as "The a$$hole" whenever I was mentioned around the house, I gave up trying. Thanks Mom.

So I go off to college to pursue what I thought others wanted me to be. I didn't want to be any of the things I set as my major. I have always wanted to be an actor or entertainer of some sort. I need to be creative.

It's funny how little things can make such a big impact. By trying to be what "I thought" others wanted, I missed out on what I wanted. I started setting up walls. Not for others, but for me. I compartmentalized what I wanted and stored things away. I am still like that. I try to give people what "I think" they want "from me" or how they want me "to be". That is causing me to dim overall. I have been told that after I come back from GenCon or am away for short while I shine, but it fades away. I think I know why it dims. I go back to "me" and leave me hidden away. I realize the world is real and I have responsibilities to my family. I have set myself up to defer to others, so I shut down my wants and needs and it makes me mad. I feel neglected and ignored and it all comes back to me. I don't have a weekly or even a monthly outlet where my friends are and I feel left out of life. I don't share as much with my wife as I should and that hurts. I still have to keep me hidden to some extent. I'm trying to be me, but "me" is what people get to see.

On another note, my parents finally did get a divorce and it was the best thing for everybody.