Special Guests' True Dungeon Run

On Friday, of GenCon Indy, I got to make a dungeon run with Wil Wheaton (Fawkes), Felicia Day (Codex), Sandeep Parikh (Zaboo), Jeff Lewis (Vork), and Robin Thorsen (Clara) of The Guild web-series. At the last minute I had to fill in for another player who couldn't make the run. I wasn't bothered at all to make the run. I am a huge fan of The Guild and when I found out they would be at GenCon I emailed the top dog of True Dungeon and said we needed to get them on a run. He didn't let on for the longest time that they would be going on a run. He did let me know about a week prior so that I could do some voices for the dragon to taunt them during their final fight. I will admit that I was stoked for them to hear my taunts. Unfortunately the final battle was too loud and the taunts were almost inaudible. So only one of them was played. I will admit that I am crestfallen that the taunts weren't heard. The one for Wil was played and he heard a little of it, I think, because he stood taller and said "I think this dragon is mocking me."

So, I am going to place them here for everyone to hear. Maybe Wil will rehear his and maybe Felicia, Sandeep, Jeff, and Robin will hear these for the first time and smile and remember their run with the bard, who voiced a dragon, who knows. I did mention to Sandeep after that there were taunts, but after you hear them, you'll understand why I couldn't fit in Zaboo.

Sedentary
Guild smack
Wheaton Returns

I will put up another post later about the run and the fun that was had.

Fatherhood

How has fatherhood changed me?

Hmm, good question. When I was younger and had my life mapped out (this was the late 70’s, early 80’s) I thought I would meet someone and get married by 25. Isn’t that what you were supposed to do? Then start having 2.3 kids by 30. I had the perfect parenting life set up in my head. The kids were always good, never cried and my wife knew everything about child rearing. I sort of lived in a perfect little bubble when thinking about the future. Didn’t all girls know everything about kids? Isn’t that what it meant to be a girl? Have kids and raise them. It’s just genetics, right? Everything was going to be perfect.

Well, real life isn’t exactly like what you’re taught as a kid. For starters, I didn’t do a lot of dating or look for mates very seriously. I had a period of time where I didn’t really have a date for 7 years. So that set me back a touch. Well, I finally met Liz when I was 34 and we got married when I was 36. That put me back 11 years from my initial plan. What else would be different? Surely the rest was right, right? We planned to try to get pregnant about 6 months after we got married. We thought we should have a little “getting used to” time before adding another to our crew. But after just 3 months, we changed our plan and Liz got pregnant and I realized I knew nothing. I kept asking Liz questions and realized she didn’t have all the answers. What? Wasn’t she supposed to know this stuff? She’s female. She’s supposed to know it all. OK, she bought books for her and for me. We named our little child-to-be “Bunny” and always referred to her that way. I think of Bunny as a girl. Well, we really don’t know what Bunny would have been. Liz, or more specifically WE, miscarried at about 10weeks. Liz had some spotting and we went in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. I was watching the screen and saw Bunny. The tech then said she had to go get the doctor to take a look. I almost passed out; there was no movement on the screen. No little heart beating, nothing. Luckily I had a stool next to me. I fell onto it. I was hoping that I was just missing something on the screen. The doctor then comes in, takes a look, and tells us that we miscarried. I was in shock. How could that happen? Didn’t women have babies all the time? What was wrong with us? Everything in the world was flashing through my mind. But the single most important thing that flashed in my mind was “Oh. God. Liz!!! What is she feeling and how is she feeling?” We went to the doctor’s private office and he talked to us for a while. I don’t know how long actually. I was still in a daze and worrying about Liz. He told us that miscarriages happen a lot more than talked about and that there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with either of us, it just happens sometimes, and we could try again. That helped somewhat, but we were still in shock about losing Bunny. We went home and called family to let them know what happened. I was calling people until we got to my dad. I couldn’t call him and tell him. I had been the one who called him and told him that my sister’s son Jacob had died. I couldn’t do it again. I remembered hearing his anguish and it just about broke me. I just couldn’t do it; I almost couldn’t even talk to ask Liz to call him. (Wow, thinking about that almost made me cry all over again.) After calling people, we spent the rest of the day lying in bed trying to support each other. Each of us took turns being strong while the other would break down in tears. So, try number one sure didn’t go as I had pictured.

After 2 months we went to the doctor to see if things looked ok for us to try again. He gave us the go ahead and we got pregnant again. This time we didn’t tell anybody for a long time. I was scared. I kept thinking about the miscarriage. Everything seemed fine. We went in for an early ultrasound just to be sure things looked good and lo and behold they were. There was the heartbeat. I still didn’t know anything about being a dad or raising a child, but a huge burden was lifted. I felt better and felt things would go right this time. Everything was right with Teagan. We had a scare when Liz’s heart rate went all wonky and almost had to be de-fibbed to get it back in rhythm, but that’s a different story and Teagan was fine. I finally read the books Liz had gotten me and still had no clue how to be a dad. Luckily I have a partner who helps me when I struggle.

So even before I was officially a father I changed in many ways. I realized a much deeper love than I thought I could feel for something I hadn’t seen. When we lost Bunny, my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. When I saw Teagan’s little heart beating, my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest with love. It’s amazing how such a little thing could have such a huge impact. I watched Liz go through her pregnancy loving every minute of it, even when she hurt and complained. I saw the look of love on her face and loved her more for it. I could not have physically gone through a pregnancy. Props to women on that one.

I have learned to be patient, loving, strict, understanding, mad, upset, dumbfounded, etc… from my kids. I used to be solely about me. I think that has been the hardest thing to adjust to with kids. I now have little people relying on me and my time and my attention. I know the pride in seeing my kids do something for the first time or discovering things on their own. I hope fatherhood has changed me in a good way and I hope to keep getting better at it even when they drive me nuts.

Better late than never

I filmed Teagan's school christmas performance back in December. I finally got the video entered into the computer and got Teagan's parts edited out. So without further ado. Here are Teagan's class performances.

Checking In

It's been a few days since my last post. I've started the next part of my mother conversation, so stay tuned. It just doesn't feel coherent yet and needs a little clean up. I won't say I am getting confused while writing it, but my mind jumps from thought to thought and making logical connections just aren't quite there yet.

Today is one of the greatest days of the year. The NCAA basketball tourney starts today. It usually doesn't stay one of the greatest days though. I start out all excited and have my brackets filled in, however after the first 5 games my bracket is usually shot and I get pissed. I am only really pulling for 1 team this year. With Purdue missing Hummel and IU sucking this year, I am behind Butler, who I think got screwed by the seeding committee. So, by saying that, Butler will probably lose their first game. Sorry Butler.

Would you eat her cheese...?

OK, here's a weird news article I heard on the radio. It deals with a woman, Lori Mason, who has had a baby and is still lactating more than necessary for the child. Apparently her husband, Daniel Angerer a renowned chef, has taken her breast milk and made cheese from it. At first I thought "what? Who makes cheese from breast milk?" Then I thought about it and isn't normal cheese made from breast milk? People are more than happy to eat cow cheese, goat cheese, and whatever animal cheese. So why not human cheese? So I did a little Google search on Human breast milk cheese and found many articles. Have fun if you choose.

However, my mind then goes off on a different tangent. Let's step back a step. I know of mothers who taste their breast milk to see what they are feeding their babies tastes like. I realize there are very few people who read this, but have you tasted breast milk that wasn't made for you? I think this is mainly aimed at men, but I do not want to eliminate anyone. If you are a mom tasting your milk to see what it tasted like for your child please note that. I am curious to see who has done something that seems out of the ordinary but is very natural. What's better than breast milk?

Shining through your wall

What does shining through your wall mean? I have been told that I don't shine through my wall very often. It can happen, but apparently it is infrequent. I have given this a lot of thought. I think I know reasons why I keep the wall up. It has a lot to do with expectations, wants, needs, and how the world experiences me. This post is probably more for my thought process than anything else.

Let's start way back in time. I have always looked at the world a little skewed. No matter what went on I always saw the world my way. Trying to lock out the bad or unwanted and looking and seeing what I wanted. It was an avoidance issue. I didn't have any physical abuse going on, which unfortunately seems to happen all too often, what I had to deal with was emotional abuse. As a kid it's hard to understand why things you have no control over seem to fall on your shoulders. I remember crying and praying to God to please send my dad home when my mom would start blaming me for dad not being around. It's kind of rough to start hating God around 7 or 8 and becoming an atheist by age 8. So I would become my toys while playing, not just pretending, like I assume most kids do, but in my mind I was each toy. Plastic can't get hurt, can it?

Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I got straight A's in 4th grade. Big deal, it was 4th grade. I pretty much skated through it. However, that set up new expectations for me to live up to. I was supposed to get straight A's from now on. I'm sure I could have, if I tried, but let's not forget, I didn't always pay attention to the real world as closely as I should have. I was seeing things my way. Playing and losing "me" was much more fun. I usually did get all A's and a B, but that B was the deal breaker. That would start the groundings and being told I wasn't worth much. It made me mad, but then I'd go back to my world and it would disappear. Remember, this is still elementary school.

During this time, my sister was born while I was in 4th grade. I had hoped she would take some of the attention away from me. It worked somewhat, but now I was being compared to the little precious baby. She became mommy's favorite and I could do no right, or so it seemed. A little back story. My parents were not very happy together. My dad had moved out a couple of times, I think it was a couple, it could have been more. I have found out they were thinking of divorce and went to see a marriage counselor. That all sounds good, but the counselor convinced them to have a baby to see if that made things better. If I could find that counselor, I would have a few choice words to say. You don't add another human being into a bad relationship. That is just plain stupid and adds another who may suffer. Divorce would have been the best choice for them and me at the time, but then I wouldn't have a sister.

Let's move to junior high. Dad had run for sheriff and won. So we moved to a new and bigger house. Sounds good so far, however, mom and dad still didn't like each other. Me? Well, I was a teenager with teenager issues of my own. I was looking for independence and trying to find out who I was. I thought I knew me, but the me I knew wasn't necessarily the me others expected me to be. I enjoyed sports. I had played baseball in the summer and basketball in the winter at school. I kept playing basketball in junior high and enjoyed it. I realize now I could have been better if I would have tried, but then again, I was in my world. Which most teenagers are I assume. I was into many things. I liked art, music, sports, science, math (more on that later), being in plays. I liked a lot of different things, perhaps too many. I got distracted a lot and guess what? I got a B the first 9 weeks of 7th grade. It was in art, a completely subjective discipline. It was a 93 and the break off for A's was 94. I argued the subjectivity and also "it was art", my god who cares about your art grade, come on. So that led to fighting and grounding and me retreating in to me at home. So I guess that is part of my light being dimmed and not shining. Junior high goes on that way, usually one B to set off the argument. The problem is, the person doing the grounding was my mother. My dad said he didn't understand it, but he didn't do anything about it. So I think here is where the "me" that adults would see was born. At school I was a good student in the classes that I thought adults "wanted" me to be good at: science, math (did I mention my mom was a math teacher?), English, and history. I'll admit I liked those subjects, I was very good at math and science, but I was more passionate about music and art. However, I didn't let that side of me show.

High school was much the same. I got good grades in math and science. I was expected to. English I pretty much blew off. "When am I ever going to need to write anything? I'm going to be doing math and that's numbers.", little did I know. I still did well in history; the instructors really cared about it and made me want to succeed in their classes. Art went by the wayside. I was told it wasn't worth my time and effort. I did continue to be in swing choir. I think that was when I was most happy in high school. I continued to play basketball, baseball, and ran track and cross country. I even got to be in two plays. Looking back it should look like it was an all right time. Remember the grades issues? Well they continued through high school. I didn't get straight A's and I didn't care. I was getting sick of the lectures and since I was always referred to as "The a$$hole" whenever I was mentioned around the house, I gave up trying. Thanks Mom.

So I go off to college to pursue what I thought others wanted me to be. I didn't want to be any of the things I set as my major. I have always wanted to be an actor or entertainer of some sort. I need to be creative.

It's funny how little things can make such a big impact. By trying to be what "I thought" others wanted, I missed out on what I wanted. I started setting up walls. Not for others, but for me. I compartmentalized what I wanted and stored things away. I am still like that. I try to give people what "I think" they want "from me" or how they want me "to be". That is causing me to dim overall. I have been told that after I come back from GenCon or am away for short while I shine, but it fades away. I think I know why it dims. I go back to "me" and leave me hidden away. I realize the world is real and I have responsibilities to my family. I have set myself up to defer to others, so I shut down my wants and needs and it makes me mad. I feel neglected and ignored and it all comes back to me. I don't have a weekly or even a monthly outlet where my friends are and I feel left out of life. I don't share as much with my wife as I should and that hurts. I still have to keep me hidden to some extent. I'm trying to be me, but "me" is what people get to see.

On another note, my parents finally did get a divorce and it was the best thing for everybody.

What she said I'd say.

My wife took a Dating Game quiz on her website (Eternal Lizdom) and wanted me to see if her answers would match mine. So to all the readers on her site, here goes...

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?Sci-fi Channel, good answer

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?Ranch, correct-a-mundo

3. What's one food he doesn't like?Artichokes, that works (there way too many choices)

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order?Sprite or sweet tea

5. Where did he go to high school?Hamilton Heights, yep

6. What size shoe does he wear?11, right on

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?Comics, oh yeah!

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?peanut butter and bologna, nothing better

9. What would he eat every day if he could?chips and french onion dip, actually it would be pizza

10. What is his favorite cereal?Life, yep

11. What would he never wear?A thong, yes, the floss scares me

12. What is his favorite sports team?Colts or IU basketbal

13. Who did he vote for?He won't say. I said Mitch Daniels

14. Who is his best friend?Me. OK, I guess

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?Put the kids first all the time.

16. What is his heritage?Indiana-ian. With a sprinkling of Tennessee. (She knows it's Hoosier, she was being funny)

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?Angel food cake, no, yellow cake and white icing

18. Did he play sports in high school?Yes! (Basketball), and track, cross country, and baseball

19. What could he spend hours doing?Sitting on the computer doing... computer stuff. yeah she knows me

20. What is one unique talent he has?Just one? He juggles!, I'd go with my spoonerism ability

I'd say overall she did an awesome job.