It's been a few days since my last post. I've started the next part of my mother conversation, so stay tuned. It just doesn't feel coherent yet and needs a little clean up. I won't say I am getting confused while writing it, but my mind jumps from thought to thought and making logical connections just aren't quite there yet.
Today is one of the greatest days of the year. The NCAA basketball tourney starts today. It usually doesn't stay one of the greatest days though. I start out all excited and have my brackets filled in, however after the first 5 games my bracket is usually shot and I get pissed. I am only really pulling for 1 team this year. With Purdue missing Hummel and IU sucking this year, I am behind Butler, who I think got screwed by the seeding committee. So, by saying that, Butler will probably lose their first game. Sorry Butler.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Would you eat her cheese...?
OK, here's a weird news article I heard on the radio. It deals with a woman, Lori Mason, who has had a baby and is still lactating more than necessary for the child. Apparently her husband, Daniel Angerer a renowned chef, has taken her breast milk and made cheese from it. At first I thought "what? Who makes cheese from breast milk?" Then I thought about it and isn't normal cheese made from breast milk? People are more than happy to eat cow cheese, goat cheese, and whatever animal cheese. So why not human cheese? So I did a little Google search on Human breast milk cheese and found many articles. Have fun if you choose.
However, my mind then goes off on a different tangent. Let's step back a step. I know of mothers who taste their breast milk to see what they are feeding their babies tastes like. I realize there are very few people who read this, but have you tasted breast milk that wasn't made for you? I think this is mainly aimed at men, but I do not want to eliminate anyone. If you are a mom tasting your milk to see what it tasted like for your child please note that. I am curious to see who has done something that seems out of the ordinary but is very natural. What's better than breast milk?
However, my mind then goes off on a different tangent. Let's step back a step. I know of mothers who taste their breast milk to see what they are feeding their babies tastes like. I realize there are very few people who read this, but have you tasted breast milk that wasn't made for you? I think this is mainly aimed at men, but I do not want to eliminate anyone. If you are a mom tasting your milk to see what it tasted like for your child please note that. I am curious to see who has done something that seems out of the ordinary but is very natural. What's better than breast milk?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Shining through your wall
What does shining through your wall mean? I have been told that I don't shine through my wall very often. It can happen, but apparently it is infrequent. I have given this a lot of thought. I think I know reasons why I keep the wall up. It has a lot to do with expectations, wants, needs, and how the world experiences me. This post is probably more for my thought process than anything else.
Let's start way back in time. I have always looked at the world a little skewed. No matter what went on I always saw the world my way. Trying to lock out the bad or unwanted and looking and seeing what I wanted. It was an avoidance issue. I didn't have any physical abuse going on, which unfortunately seems to happen all too often, what I had to deal with was emotional abuse. As a kid it's hard to understand why things you have no control over seem to fall on your shoulders. I remember crying and praying to God to please send my dad home when my mom would start blaming me for dad not being around. It's kind of rough to start hating God around 7 or 8 and becoming an atheist by age 8. So I would become my toys while playing, not just pretending, like I assume most kids do, but in my mind I was each toy. Plastic can't get hurt, can it?
Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I got straight A's in 4th grade. Big deal, it was 4th grade. I pretty much skated through it. However, that set up new expectations for me to live up to. I was supposed to get straight A's from now on. I'm sure I could have, if I tried, but let's not forget, I didn't always pay attention to the real world as closely as I should have. I was seeing things my way. Playing and losing "me" was much more fun. I usually did get all A's and a B, but that B was the deal breaker. That would start the groundings and being told I wasn't worth much. It made me mad, but then I'd go back to my world and it would disappear. Remember, this is still elementary school.
During this time, my sister was born while I was in 4th grade. I had hoped she would take some of the attention away from me. It worked somewhat, but now I was being compared to the little precious baby. She became mommy's favorite and I could do no right, or so it seemed. A little back story. My parents were not very happy together. My dad had moved out a couple of times, I think it was a couple, it could have been more. I have found out they were thinking of divorce and went to see a marriage counselor. That all sounds good, but the counselor convinced them to have a baby to see if that made things better. If I could find that counselor, I would have a few choice words to say. You don't add another human being into a bad relationship. That is just plain stupid and adds another who may suffer. Divorce would have been the best choice for them and me at the time, but then I wouldn't have a sister.
Let's move to junior high. Dad had run for sheriff and won. So we moved to a new and bigger house. Sounds good so far, however, mom and dad still didn't like each other. Me? Well, I was a teenager with teenager issues of my own. I was looking for independence and trying to find out who I was. I thought I knew me, but the me I knew wasn't necessarily the me others expected me to be. I enjoyed sports. I had played baseball in the summer and basketball in the winter at school. I kept playing basketball in junior high and enjoyed it. I realize now I could have been better if I would have tried, but then again, I was in my world. Which most teenagers are I assume. I was into many things. I liked art, music, sports, science, math (more on that later), being in plays. I liked a lot of different things, perhaps too many. I got distracted a lot and guess what? I got a B the first 9 weeks of 7th grade. It was in art, a completely subjective discipline. It was a 93 and the break off for A's was 94. I argued the subjectivity and also "it was art", my god who cares about your art grade, come on. So that led to fighting and grounding and me retreating in to me at home. So I guess that is part of my light being dimmed and not shining. Junior high goes on that way, usually one B to set off the argument. The problem is, the person doing the grounding was my mother. My dad said he didn't understand it, but he didn't do anything about it. So I think here is where the "me" that adults would see was born. At school I was a good student in the classes that I thought adults "wanted" me to be good at: science, math (did I mention my mom was a math teacher?), English, and history. I'll admit I liked those subjects, I was very good at math and science, but I was more passionate about music and art. However, I didn't let that side of me show.
High school was much the same. I got good grades in math and science. I was expected to. English I pretty much blew off. "When am I ever going to need to write anything? I'm going to be doing math and that's numbers.", little did I know. I still did well in history; the instructors really cared about it and made me want to succeed in their classes. Art went by the wayside. I was told it wasn't worth my time and effort. I did continue to be in swing choir. I think that was when I was most happy in high school. I continued to play basketball, baseball, and ran track and cross country. I even got to be in two plays. Looking back it should look like it was an all right time. Remember the grades issues? Well they continued through high school. I didn't get straight A's and I didn't care. I was getting sick of the lectures and since I was always referred to as "The a$$hole" whenever I was mentioned around the house, I gave up trying. Thanks Mom.
So I go off to college to pursue what I thought others wanted me to be. I didn't want to be any of the things I set as my major. I have always wanted to be an actor or entertainer of some sort. I need to be creative.
It's funny how little things can make such a big impact. By trying to be what "I thought" others wanted, I missed out on what I wanted. I started setting up walls. Not for others, but for me. I compartmentalized what I wanted and stored things away. I am still like that. I try to give people what "I think" they want "from me" or how they want me "to be". That is causing me to dim overall. I have been told that after I come back from GenCon or am away for short while I shine, but it fades away. I think I know why it dims. I go back to "me" and leave me hidden away. I realize the world is real and I have responsibilities to my family. I have set myself up to defer to others, so I shut down my wants and needs and it makes me mad. I feel neglected and ignored and it all comes back to me. I don't have a weekly or even a monthly outlet where my friends are and I feel left out of life. I don't share as much with my wife as I should and that hurts. I still have to keep me hidden to some extent. I'm trying to be me, but "me" is what people get to see.
On another note, my parents finally did get a divorce and it was the best thing for everybody.
Let's start way back in time. I have always looked at the world a little skewed. No matter what went on I always saw the world my way. Trying to lock out the bad or unwanted and looking and seeing what I wanted. It was an avoidance issue. I didn't have any physical abuse going on, which unfortunately seems to happen all too often, what I had to deal with was emotional abuse. As a kid it's hard to understand why things you have no control over seem to fall on your shoulders. I remember crying and praying to God to please send my dad home when my mom would start blaming me for dad not being around. It's kind of rough to start hating God around 7 or 8 and becoming an atheist by age 8. So I would become my toys while playing, not just pretending, like I assume most kids do, but in my mind I was each toy. Plastic can't get hurt, can it?
Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I got straight A's in 4th grade. Big deal, it was 4th grade. I pretty much skated through it. However, that set up new expectations for me to live up to. I was supposed to get straight A's from now on. I'm sure I could have, if I tried, but let's not forget, I didn't always pay attention to the real world as closely as I should have. I was seeing things my way. Playing and losing "me" was much more fun. I usually did get all A's and a B, but that B was the deal breaker. That would start the groundings and being told I wasn't worth much. It made me mad, but then I'd go back to my world and it would disappear. Remember, this is still elementary school.
During this time, my sister was born while I was in 4th grade. I had hoped she would take some of the attention away from me. It worked somewhat, but now I was being compared to the little precious baby. She became mommy's favorite and I could do no right, or so it seemed. A little back story. My parents were not very happy together. My dad had moved out a couple of times, I think it was a couple, it could have been more. I have found out they were thinking of divorce and went to see a marriage counselor. That all sounds good, but the counselor convinced them to have a baby to see if that made things better. If I could find that counselor, I would have a few choice words to say. You don't add another human being into a bad relationship. That is just plain stupid and adds another who may suffer. Divorce would have been the best choice for them and me at the time, but then I wouldn't have a sister.
Let's move to junior high. Dad had run for sheriff and won. So we moved to a new and bigger house. Sounds good so far, however, mom and dad still didn't like each other. Me? Well, I was a teenager with teenager issues of my own. I was looking for independence and trying to find out who I was. I thought I knew me, but the me I knew wasn't necessarily the me others expected me to be. I enjoyed sports. I had played baseball in the summer and basketball in the winter at school. I kept playing basketball in junior high and enjoyed it. I realize now I could have been better if I would have tried, but then again, I was in my world. Which most teenagers are I assume. I was into many things. I liked art, music, sports, science, math (more on that later), being in plays. I liked a lot of different things, perhaps too many. I got distracted a lot and guess what? I got a B the first 9 weeks of 7th grade. It was in art, a completely subjective discipline. It was a 93 and the break off for A's was 94. I argued the subjectivity and also "it was art", my god who cares about your art grade, come on. So that led to fighting and grounding and me retreating in to me at home. So I guess that is part of my light being dimmed and not shining. Junior high goes on that way, usually one B to set off the argument. The problem is, the person doing the grounding was my mother. My dad said he didn't understand it, but he didn't do anything about it. So I think here is where the "me" that adults would see was born. At school I was a good student in the classes that I thought adults "wanted" me to be good at: science, math (did I mention my mom was a math teacher?), English, and history. I'll admit I liked those subjects, I was very good at math and science, but I was more passionate about music and art. However, I didn't let that side of me show.
High school was much the same. I got good grades in math and science. I was expected to. English I pretty much blew off. "When am I ever going to need to write anything? I'm going to be doing math and that's numbers.", little did I know. I still did well in history; the instructors really cared about it and made me want to succeed in their classes. Art went by the wayside. I was told it wasn't worth my time and effort. I did continue to be in swing choir. I think that was when I was most happy in high school. I continued to play basketball, baseball, and ran track and cross country. I even got to be in two plays. Looking back it should look like it was an all right time. Remember the grades issues? Well they continued through high school. I didn't get straight A's and I didn't care. I was getting sick of the lectures and since I was always referred to as "The a$$hole" whenever I was mentioned around the house, I gave up trying. Thanks Mom.
So I go off to college to pursue what I thought others wanted me to be. I didn't want to be any of the things I set as my major. I have always wanted to be an actor or entertainer of some sort. I need to be creative.
It's funny how little things can make such a big impact. By trying to be what "I thought" others wanted, I missed out on what I wanted. I started setting up walls. Not for others, but for me. I compartmentalized what I wanted and stored things away. I am still like that. I try to give people what "I think" they want "from me" or how they want me "to be". That is causing me to dim overall. I have been told that after I come back from GenCon or am away for short while I shine, but it fades away. I think I know why it dims. I go back to "me" and leave me hidden away. I realize the world is real and I have responsibilities to my family. I have set myself up to defer to others, so I shut down my wants and needs and it makes me mad. I feel neglected and ignored and it all comes back to me. I don't have a weekly or even a monthly outlet where my friends are and I feel left out of life. I don't share as much with my wife as I should and that hurts. I still have to keep me hidden to some extent. I'm trying to be me, but "me" is what people get to see.
On another note, my parents finally did get a divorce and it was the best thing for everybody.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
What she said I'd say.
My wife took a Dating Game quiz on her website (Eternal Lizdom) and wanted me to see if her answers would match mine. So to all the readers on her site, here goes...
1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?Sci-fi Channel, good answer
2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?Ranch, correct-a-mundo
3. What's one food he doesn't like?Artichokes, that works (there way too many choices)
4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order?Sprite or sweet tea
5. Where did he go to high school?Hamilton Heights, yep
6. What size shoe does he wear?11, right on
7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?Comics, oh yeah!
8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?peanut butter and bologna, nothing better
9. What would he eat every day if he could?chips and french onion dip, actually it would be pizza
10. What is his favorite cereal?Life, yep
11. What would he never wear?A thong, yes, the floss scares me
12. What is his favorite sports team?Colts or IU basketbal
13. Who did he vote for?He won't say. I said Mitch Daniels
14. Who is his best friend?Me. OK, I guess
15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?Put the kids first all the time.
16. What is his heritage?Indiana-ian. With a sprinkling of Tennessee. (She knows it's Hoosier, she was being funny)
17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?Angel food cake, no, yellow cake and white icing
18. Did he play sports in high school?Yes! (Basketball), and track, cross country, and baseball
19. What could he spend hours doing?Sitting on the computer doing... computer stuff. yeah she knows me
20. What is one unique talent he has?Just one? He juggles!, I'd go with my spoonerism ability
I'd say overall she did an awesome job.
1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?Sci-fi Channel, good answer
2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?Ranch, correct-a-mundo
3. What's one food he doesn't like?Artichokes, that works (there way too many choices)
4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order?Sprite or sweet tea
5. Where did he go to high school?Hamilton Heights, yep
6. What size shoe does he wear?11, right on
7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?Comics, oh yeah!
8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?peanut butter and bologna, nothing better
9. What would he eat every day if he could?chips and french onion dip, actually it would be pizza
10. What is his favorite cereal?Life, yep
11. What would he never wear?A thong, yes, the floss scares me
12. What is his favorite sports team?Colts or IU basketbal
13. Who did he vote for?He won't say. I said Mitch Daniels
14. Who is his best friend?Me. OK, I guess
15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?Put the kids first all the time.
16. What is his heritage?Indiana-ian. With a sprinkling of Tennessee. (She knows it's Hoosier, she was being funny)
17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?Angel food cake, no, yellow cake and white icing
18. Did he play sports in high school?Yes! (Basketball), and track, cross country, and baseball
19. What could he spend hours doing?Sitting on the computer doing... computer stuff. yeah she knows me
20. What is one unique talent he has?Just one? He juggles!, I'd go with my spoonerism ability
I'd say overall she did an awesome job.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Gingerbread, err graham cracker house
I tried something new on Saturday. I tried to make a gingerbread house with my daughter. Well, OK, it was made out of graham crackers, but that doesn't matter. It was a learning experience to say the least. I tried to let my daughter help where she could and she was pretty understanding. Let me explain, I am very anal about crafts or anything I do, so it was good for me to let T help. I let her spread on the icing for the joint connections. She helped me hold the initial wall connection, but I took over for the rest of them to try to get them square (did I mention I am anal?). We proceeded to knock out the 4 walls, the triangle for the room and the roof pieces. Didn't take too long, however that led to a problem. I didn't take into account the need to go slow and let the joints stiffen up. So when we were done a wall was trying to fall over and the roof was sliding off the top. It is still standing and I think we may be able to make it look OK, not perfect like I'd like, but its our first try and I learned from it. So from now on, its slow and steady and build at a smart pace.
And T got to eat icing and not get in trouble...priceless...
Four walls
Roof Supports
The roof
Monday, November 10, 2008
Wha..Huh.. for $1400
Answer: This is why you are going gray and balding.
Question: What is upper management?
Ok, its vent time. Where do I start? I have upper management who do not or can not use technology or can not accept change. Why is that my fault? Why do I get bitched at because they are STUPID? Yes, I said stupid. My job is in IT, so I have to deal with many changes. Change in software, systems, devices, practices, etc... you name it. Why is it that people who are my superiors need to have their hands held and be babied? Did they not ever have to learn anything new while working their way up? Technology today makes things so much more easy than in the past.
I don't even know what to type, how can these people make decisions for companies when they can't learn simple things? It happens even in the IT department. We hire someone who has no IT experience to be VP of IT and are surprised when things don't work and practices become detrimental to the process.
Back to my vent, my VP wanted his phone swapped back to an old Treo from a new Samsung. I love the Samsung and have no idea why anyone would want to go back to the Treo. I'm stuck with the Treo and hate it. Any way, the Treo runs Windows Mobile 5 and the Samsung runs Windows Mobile 6. After loading the old Treo with email, pdf abilities, voicemail, etc... the VP comes to me and is pissed that it looks different on the main screen. I explained that the versions of the software were different, but did that matter, NO, I'm the ass because its different and he doesn't like it. Oh, and I'm also the ass because he said he might want to go back to the Treo from the Samsung and I didn't do it immediately for him 2 weeks ago. Hmm...Might does not mean I want you to do something. It means there is a possibility I'll want to change. So, my boss reams me for ignoring the VP. I calmly told my boss what was said and it doesn't seem to matter to him because he then says "I wish you two could learn to communicate". I'm sorry, I speak English and know what might means. Now the VP is complaining that I am not in the office all the time. Dude, I'm the IT guy, I go where there are issues. If I just sit in my office, I'm not being productive. Get a clue as to what I do. But, I am now supposed to just sit in my office for the next few days. Whatever. Why does it have to be so hard to just do your job and try to do it well?
Sorry for the rant and hopefully you can get your lost time back.
Question: What is upper management?
Ok, its vent time. Where do I start? I have upper management who do not or can not use technology or can not accept change. Why is that my fault? Why do I get bitched at because they are STUPID? Yes, I said stupid. My job is in IT, so I have to deal with many changes. Change in software, systems, devices, practices, etc... you name it. Why is it that people who are my superiors need to have their hands held and be babied? Did they not ever have to learn anything new while working their way up? Technology today makes things so much more easy than in the past.
I don't even know what to type, how can these people make decisions for companies when they can't learn simple things? It happens even in the IT department. We hire someone who has no IT experience to be VP of IT and are surprised when things don't work and practices become detrimental to the process.
Back to my vent, my VP wanted his phone swapped back to an old Treo from a new Samsung. I love the Samsung and have no idea why anyone would want to go back to the Treo. I'm stuck with the Treo and hate it. Any way, the Treo runs Windows Mobile 5 and the Samsung runs Windows Mobile 6. After loading the old Treo with email, pdf abilities, voicemail, etc... the VP comes to me and is pissed that it looks different on the main screen. I explained that the versions of the software were different, but did that matter, NO, I'm the ass because its different and he doesn't like it. Oh, and I'm also the ass because he said he might want to go back to the Treo from the Samsung and I didn't do it immediately for him 2 weeks ago. Hmm...Might does not mean I want you to do something. It means there is a possibility I'll want to change. So, my boss reams me for ignoring the VP. I calmly told my boss what was said and it doesn't seem to matter to him because he then says "I wish you two could learn to communicate". I'm sorry, I speak English and know what might means. Now the VP is complaining that I am not in the office all the time. Dude, I'm the IT guy, I go where there are issues. If I just sit in my office, I'm not being productive. Get a clue as to what I do. But, I am now supposed to just sit in my office for the next few days. Whatever. Why does it have to be so hard to just do your job and try to do it well?
Sorry for the rant and hopefully you can get your lost time back.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bast@rds for $2,000
Answer: These little bast@rds are just wrong.
Question: Who are the idiots that smash your family pumpkins for there own enjoyment?
What is wrong with people?
We had a family evening and carved pumpkins for Halloween. It was me, Liz, Teagan, Zach and "aunt" Christy. I hadn't actually carved a pumpkin before, by myself (man is it nasty), but Liz thought it would be fun for the kids. So, we picked up 2 at the store and carved them on Wednesday evening. It was fun, but messy, and the kids had fun. Zach had more fun than Teagan, but she still enjoyed it. She had mommy make a sad faced pumpkin, I think it looked like Charlie Brown. Mine was going to be really cool or so I thought. I had to change the plans as I carved, but it still looked OK when it was done. Well, we finished them and left them on our back deck until Friday, Halloween. On Friday we put them out front with candles in them to celebrate Halloween and be festive. They were beautiful.
Here's where the fun family project goes wrong. Liz went out about 9:00 or so and blew out the candles and brought them (the candles) in. The Pumpkins were outside enjoying the festive feelings they were providing until some time after we went to bed. We didn't know it at the time, but their good feelings were about to change. During the night some bast@rd(s) decided to smash all the pumpkins on our street. Liz found the remains this morning just before taking Teagan to dance class, she was very upset. Then the rest of the family went out to get in the car and Teagan saw what had happened. She was upset but her reaction was a little surprising, she asked why someone did that and then said when she gets bigger she is going to become a police officer and get the people who break pumpkins. Its sometimes strange to see how T responds and reacts. I thought initially she would fall apart and start crying and be upset, but I was very proud of her reasoning, instead of crying she thought about what had happened and reasoned out what could be done to stop it. My little girl amazes me immensely and makes me so proud at times.
Well this post has changed since I started writing it. At first I was pissed at the destroyer of property, but as I found while writing, I am proud of my daughter and I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her.
Question: Who are the idiots that smash your family pumpkins for there own enjoyment?
What is wrong with people?
We had a family evening and carved pumpkins for Halloween. It was me, Liz, Teagan, Zach and "aunt" Christy. I hadn't actually carved a pumpkin before, by myself (man is it nasty), but Liz thought it would be fun for the kids. So, we picked up 2 at the store and carved them on Wednesday evening. It was fun, but messy, and the kids had fun. Zach had more fun than Teagan, but she still enjoyed it. She had mommy make a sad faced pumpkin, I think it looked like Charlie Brown. Mine was going to be really cool or so I thought. I had to change the plans as I carved, but it still looked OK when it was done. Well, we finished them and left them on our back deck until Friday, Halloween. On Friday we put them out front with candles in them to celebrate Halloween and be festive. They were beautiful.
Here's where the fun family project goes wrong. Liz went out about 9:00 or so and blew out the candles and brought them (the candles) in. The Pumpkins were outside enjoying the festive feelings they were providing until some time after we went to bed. We didn't know it at the time, but their good feelings were about to change. During the night some bast@rd(s) decided to smash all the pumpkins on our street. Liz found the remains this morning just before taking Teagan to dance class, she was very upset. Then the rest of the family went out to get in the car and Teagan saw what had happened. She was upset but her reaction was a little surprising, she asked why someone did that and then said when she gets bigger she is going to become a police officer and get the people who break pumpkins. Its sometimes strange to see how T responds and reacts. I thought initially she would fall apart and start crying and be upset, but I was very proud of her reasoning, instead of crying she thought about what had happened and reasoned out what could be done to stop it. My little girl amazes me immensely and makes me so proud at times.
Well this post has changed since I started writing it. At first I was pissed at the destroyer of property, but as I found while writing, I am proud of my daughter and I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her.
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